Paper Planes

(Max 1 Bag: IF IT FITS....oooh so threatening RyanAIR)

Ok, my mom finds my travel (yes I travel, soon I'll get around to writing about my adventures! I know you are dying to be up to date) stories incredibly fascinating and wants me to dedicate a post to my friend RyanAir because she thinks it’s oddly hysterical. I don’t really get it. I think flying in a plastic plane is completely normal!

For those of you have had the pleasure of flying RyanAir: read and reminisce. For those of you who have never flown RyanAir this is how it works:

Pretty much, from the get-go, they deceive you and tell you your flight is only going to be like 12 Euros. So after you get conned into that, they charge you for everything: online check-in, checked baggage, travel insurance (that you probably need considering the plane is made of Legos), a text message sending you your itinerary, blah blah blah. Luckily I did my homework and tortured my friends who have taken it before and asked them every little detail so I wouldn’t fall into the traps (thank you Jenny and Emmett, my heros.) So my flights are usually never more than 40 euros. After you buy your ticket they send you the confirmation. You can even print out your boarding pass 15 days before the flight!

When the day of your adventure comes, you have to be able to pack all of your belongings into a zip lock baggie because that’s about all you’re allowed to take. But it’s fine, we’re in Europe, you’re allowed to reuse underwear.

If you have a question about the flight, you have to wait until about 30 seconds before boarding because the attendants don’t show up until then. Sometimes, if you’re lucky you can catch them in the Duty Free shop stocking up on alcohol and Toblerone chocolate before the flight (true story.).

The plane is general seating so naturally people line up at gate at least 30 minutes before boarding so they can get a good seat. (I think they just want to be close for the safety show the flight attendants put on. Because to me, all seats are the same, your legs are going to be crushed no matter what.) However, because we are in Italy and the concept of a LINE is still too technologically advanced, it’s pretty much a blob of people invading your personal bubble for a half hour. I usually use this time to peer around at the other passengers, and search for whoever could be my Sawyer. In case, ya know, we are in the middle section.

Then they start boarding: more pushing and shoving happens and you exit the airport. Instead of leading you directly to the body of the plane, the exit pretty much puts you on the runway. Not to worry, there is always a crossing guard there for your safety so you won’t get hit by a plane. Once you pass the crossing guard it’s a free for all. There are two entrances to the plane: one in the front, and one in the back. At this point, most people break into sprints in order to be the first to climb the scaffolding-like staircase (that’s actually made out of tinker toys) to enter the plane. One boy, traveling with his mother and father, tripped and fell during the mad rush to the plane. His mother paused to help him, but the father yelled “LEAVE HIM” and continued on (this was the background music…). Poor kid; although, I envied the father for his determination. I digress.

Luckily, upon entering the plane, the flight attendants check your boarding pass. Apparently it’s a common mistake to get on the wrong plane. Not joking.

The plane then takes off. The pilots usually like to show off by doing unnecessary tilts and turns in the air. It’s very frightening considering the pilots have the flight equivalent of a drivers permit and really shouldn’t be flying planes.

During the flight the stewardesses are kind enough to sell drinks, bottles of perfume, RyanAir bikini calendars, bottles of alcohol, 5 hour energies, stuffed animals and of course smokeless cigarettes. (Italians obviously cannot make it through a 2 hour flight without their nicotine fix.). Plus they look totally chic walking around the plane with a white piece of plastic hanging from their lips.

Then finally the airplane collides with the ground. Yes, collides. It’s never a smooth landing; you are pretty much dropped to the ground. It’s really fun. Then of course a round of applause erupts from the cabin. Can I just say something: that should not happen. It should not be a surprise that we’ve landed alive and safely. Planes have been around since 1903: we should be past the point of wondering “is this the plane that’s going to make it?!” Um yeah…no. Then a bugle sounds over the loud speaker… like “tah-daaahh! You made it! Without crashing! We are just as excited as you are!”.

And then you get off the plane.

I heart RyanAir.

Mal